Nathan's House of Gum: Guilty Vice Review: "Most Haunted" vs. "Ghost Hunters"

It's been said before, but needs repeating, that we are living in the Golden Age of shows about people who like to look for ghosts and stuff using night-vision cameras. Well, okay, maybe it hasn't been said before, but it should be, because we have not one, but two such shows, "Ghost Hunters" and "Most Haunted", and man if I'm not addicted. Not only that, but I make my kids watch them with me, because if I learned anything from that Disney parade, it's that nightmares are important to a child, and they must never let go of them. Or maybe that was "dreams" that are important. Well whatev.

I honestly don't think one show is copying the other, though there are some similarities. They're both about crews of renegade "paranormal investigators" who visit a location where they're shown around by the owner/tour guide/scary night watchman with a hook for a hand, and are briefed on the various stories and creepy experiences people there have had. Then they set up their command centers, wire their cables, turn out the lights, and power on the night-vision cameras. Actually the turning-out-the-lights thing I don't understand. I would think that if you actually wanted to *see* a ghost, you would have better luck with the lights on, but the night-vision cameras add a freaky green glow to everything and give everyone spooky-looking eyes, and who am I to mess with the look of the genre? Oh, and they usually break into small groups and go off on their own to begin investigating. Have these people ever even seen a slasher movie?

"Most Haunted" is a product of British Television, so that alone gives it the legitimacy of a"Masterpiece Theatre" or "Mr. Bean". It's shown here in the U.S. on the Travel Channel, home of such shows as "Hot Babe Bikini Beaches of the Bahamas That You Should Book Tickets For Now!".

So that of course made me think that it was just a cheesy attempt to get people to go to Britain to visit quaint English inns with colorful histories. But it turns out the places they go are often ruins, so you couldn't stay there anyway. Or if they are places you *could* stay, you wouldn't want to. In fact, if you're considering a stay at some nine hundred-year-old B&B at Liverbury on Gimley or whatever, this show would probably change your mind. Because it always begins with the current owner or some one-eyed local historian telling our goth hostess Yvette Fielding something like "and people who have spent the night in the Blue Room often report seeing the screaming severed head of the first Lady Liverbury landing on their laps, then bouncing off the wall and rolling out the door." Ummm. No thanks. I'm actually one of those people that likes to get some rest when I'm on vacation.

So the show usually continues with Yvette and one of their psychics walking around the building (they give us handy on-screen blueprints of the place so you don't get disoriented, which I wish every show did - I'm looking at you, "Full House") while it's still daylight out and the psychic picks up whatever it is they pick up on. So the psychic walks around with Yvette saying stuff like, "I'm getting now an impression that people have seen a severed head bounce of this wall sometimes" and so you're thinking, "That's amazing! How'd he know that?" Think maybe the one-eyed local historian happened to mention something along those lines to him during a smoke break before the cameras started rolling? Or maybe he just looked it up on the interweb before he got there.

They give *some* token time to their resident skeptic guy. But his title is"parapsychologist", so I'm wondering just how truly skeptical someone who went to parapsychology college can be, and his job is to just set up a tape recorder and take the temperature anyway. Anyhow, the rest of the show consists of the rest of the crew walking around in the dark, filming insects and screaming "I see an orb!" The thing about night vision cameras? They make insects and dust glow in the dark. And the thing about old castles? They tend to have a lot of dust and insects. And so the cast is really really freaking themselves out the whole time, which is not too hard to imagine since they're walking around in the dark waiting for the"figure of a monk who has often been seen roaming the halls with a meat cleaver" or whatever to show at any time while the whole time they're dodging bats. As a result of being in this highly-agitated state, they swear *a lot*, so half the show's dialog is bleeped out. They'll bump into a wall or hear a door slam and it'll be like "Oh my[bleep]ing [bleep]son-of-a[bleep]!!" Now it's always hard to tell with the English when it's bleeped if this is full-on "The Osbournes" Level-One obscenity or if it's just innocent stuff like "Bloomin' 'ell! Ruddy bollocks!", but either way the bleeps at least add an element of realism. On a side note, I like the cast of "Most Haunted", and they're the kind of people I wouldn't mind hanging out with it they weren't such potty-mouths.

So the show usually ends with them looking at their footage and saying stuff like "well, it's hard to tell if that's an orb or a moth. And it's hard to tell if that door closed on its own or if that was the fact that there was a strong wind blowing all night, but this place is definitely haunted." And to their credit they'll usually have the psychic tell the severed head to go to the light before they pack up and go. Seems only right. Plus that way, if anyone tries to reproduce their results and they strike out, well, that's because the ghosts have all moved on.

Anyhow, my take on the show is that they're probably not going to win over any skeptics any time soon with their methods and conclusions, and they're probably setting British tourism back to plague years levels, but what I actually like about the show is that it *is* good history. Because amid all this bleeping and screaming and stuff they slip in little factoids like "this barn was used as a garrison for royalist troops during the civil war until parliamentarian forces cut off their arms and legs and impaled their bodies on stakes in that lovely rose garden behind the groundskeeper's cottage. Nasty business old chap."

Holy crap! If that place *isn't* haunted, it sure as [bleep] should be!

Grades:

Realism: A
Parapsychological Worthiness: D+
Entertainment value: B+
Outright spookiness: A
Blatant Roto Rooter Product Placement: incomplete

It would be unfair to say that "Ghost Hunters" is sort of a techy American soap opera version of "Most Haunted", but if that helps you keep them straight, then go for it. Jason and Grant are these two Roto Rooter plumbers who started TAPS (which stands for The Atlantic Paranormal Society, and not that song the Army plays for people when they die, but that's a pretty spooky coincidence now that I think about it). It's produced by the Sci -Fi Channel. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking, but for every fifteen movies they make about oversized mutant animals terrorizing backcountry people, they can still occasionally come up with gem like "Battlestar Galactica", so I'll cut them some slack.

Anyhow, Jason is the gruff sort of no-nonsense father figure of the group and Grant is a little more touchy-feely. And so they have this sort of good plumber/bad plumber dynamic going. Not that Jason is a bad plumber. I'm sure he's just fine or else Roto Rooter would have fired his butt long ago instead of letting him take off work any time he wants and borrow their equipment to hunt for spooks.

Why is it important to even mention this? "Ghost Hunters" concentrates a lot more on the dramatics and character development of the people on the show than"Most Haunted" does. I mean yeah, "Most Haunted" has "Kat the makeup lady who is easily freaked-out and sort of reminds me of Lulu from her 'To Sir With Love' days", but it doesn't go much beyond that. "Ghost Hunters" on the other hand will spend a couple of seasons fleshing out Jason and Grant's problems with Brian the slacker tech guy. So you get stuff like Jason saying, "we're all committed to this Brian! When we started TAPS, we were all in! That was the agreement Brian! Maybe you'd rather spend time with your wife and kid than spend time making extra sure you didn't forget to bring a mousepad along in the TAPS van?"

I'm probably missing the point, but Brian actually seems to be the only one with a life, or at least with his priorities straight, but I digress. The point is just that a lot of "Ghost Hunters" is staged, or at least put together to create drama where none would otherwise exist. As a result of all the editing there's a lot less swearing in "Ghost Hunters". Oh occasionally Grant will say, "what the frigg was that?" which may actually be the way he talks, though it tends to detract from the immediacy of the show, unlike"Most Haunted". I can't believe I'm saying this, but the show needs more bleeps.

So the episode usually starts out with Jason and Grant (and presumably their 24-hour on-duty camera man) on the job installing a sink and just sort of talking matter-of-factly about what a big clusterfrigg of a disappointment Brian has turned out to be when they just so happen to get a call from Donna their case manager back at TAPS headquarters saying they need to go check out a haunted house. So they pack up the TAPS vans, talk to the owner who describes the banging noise in the basement and the bouncing severed head or somesuch.

You know in the "A-Team" there would always be that scene where Mr. T would weld stuff to a vehicle? And the scene could be lengthened or shortened depending on how much time they had to kill? Well, with "Ghost Hunters" their welding scene involves lots of laying cable and taping cameras to walls and stuff. Then they turn out the lights. Again, not to harp on this, but I figure seeing ghosts is like washing dishes - yeah, you can do it in the dark, but you're probably going to miss some spots. Seems they'd have more luck, you know, *actually seeing things* with the lights on.

Now "GhostHunters" leaves"Most Haunted"in the dust when it comes to gadgetry. They've got the heat-vision cameras and the EMF detectors and all kinds of listening and recording devices and computers. Well okay, they have only got *one* heat vision camera, and only Jason and Grant get to use it. You'd think for all the free advertisement Roto Rooter is getting they'd spring for another couple of those bad boys for the rest of the team.

Occasionally the investigation will cut to Jason saying something like "in this investigation we were really curious about what Brian would do to frigg everything up again", you know, just to build the interpersonal drama.

Now here's another place where "Ghost Hunters" is better. Despite all the staging and editing, they actually do more than just make a token effort at skepticism. That banging in the cellar? Who better to find out that what you got here lady is a sump pump runoff pipe valve flange that isn't properly secured to your joists than Jason and Grant? Can't explain the strange EMF readings in the attic, but hey, at least the cellar noise has been debunked.

At some point Jason will say "let's wrap it up" and then you get the welding-in-reverse scene as they roll up the cables and take down the cameras. Jason tells the homeowner that they'll review their evidence and get back to them in a couple of days. Grant tells the homeowner to "get some sleep". Man, Grant's a helluva guy and I wouldn't mind hanging out with him if only he'd swear more.

Anyhow, then they review all their tapes and stuff. Usually this is a scene where Brian and some other tech guy listen to all their tapes and review their footage. Oh, here's another thing. If they see a moth on the night-vision camera, Brian is usually the first one to say "that ain't no orb. That''s a friggin' moth." The dude should move to England where at least he'd be appreciated.

Then Jason and Grant go back to the homeowner and say "well we figured out the noises in your basement were a plumbing problem, but we also recorded a voice (or an "EVP" as they call it) in the attic saying what sounds to us like 'GET OUT! I will kill you all! Suffer puny mortals!' and we're not sure what to make of that". Of course, when they play this sound on TV, all it sounds like to me is "blurgy blurgy gurgle blurgy gurgle mortals", but then that's why I'm not a professional paranormal investigator.

Then Grant says something comforting like "well, it hasn't killed you, so I think your house is safe. But just tell the entity to leave your house and it probably will." Then Jason and Grant drive off saying stuff to each other in the van like "Y'know, I think that went really well." Meanwhile the homeowner they just left is probably looking up realtors in the Yellow Pages as fast as she can before nightfall.

One the thing about "Ghost Hunters" that I should mention is that often they come up totally empty. I suppose this lends legitimacy to their investigations, but by the time you get to the end of one of the episodes only to hear them tell the homeowner "we got bubkis in our investigation of your house " it's too late to do anything about the fact that you've just totally wasted an hour of your time watching the show.

Grades