(Yearly?) Fanboy Update #5: Suburb on the Edge of Forever

Yeah, I know I've totally lagged in updating this blog, but I have a good excuse. Since before your sun burned bright in your sky, or at least for the last year, I've been cranking away building that Guardian of Forever of mine in the back yard. I had some serious kinks to work out. For one thing it was loud! But now, aside from a humming noise and the occasional vague pronouncement, it's pretty quiet. Anything to keep the Homeowner Association off my back, right? Plus it had to control time.

Anyway, I'm all done! I'm pretty proud of it too:





Funny story actually. I wanted to get this picture of my son in front of it, but I couldn't find him. Then the Guardian gets all misty and he comes jumping through. Whatever. But then I notice these Messerschmitts flying overhead. I'm thinking "those air show people could be a little more culturally sensitive" but the planes kept coming!


Long story short: somehow my son had gone back in time and prevented Joan Collins from being born which in turn caused the Germans to win World War Two. Who knew? Also, it meant "Dynasty" never got made.


Anyway, it took some doing, but everything should be back to normal now with the timeline. Still though, I should probably put a gate around it or something just to be safe.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

My Latest Project: Fort Folsom

Okay, if some of you have been thinking lately "that guy writes like he's high on Liquid Nail fumes" I feel I owe you an explanation. My latest "spiraling out of control" backyard project:

Fort Folsom!

So anyway, some you already know about the Winchester Mystery Playhouse (pictured right) I built in my backyard for my kids. You know the drill - if I don't stop adding to it the Indian spirits will get me, yadda yadda yadda. But about a month back the kids told me they wanted a “guard tower” next to it. No, I don’t know what they’re expecting to guard *against*, but whatev. Unimportant.

Architecturally my son told me they were thinking like a Hogan’s Heroes type tower (awww - chip off the ol' block) – sort of a roofed box on top of “A” shaped supports. But at a certain point, my high school geometry kicked in, along with my parental sense-of-safety, (and also the realization that a 1940’s German-style guard tower in the backyard wouldn’t win me any sensitivity points with the neighbors) and realized that such an idea was not exactly structurally-sound – way too top-heavy for boisterous kids. So instead we now have something that, architecturally-speaking, looks more like a sort of American frontier-style fort tower with an enclosed lower story, or maybe more like Big Ben. And it’s going to be nearly as tall as Big Ben when I’m done, despite myself. It’s about 15 feet tall. It’s quite a bit taller than the basketball hoop in the foreground there already.

Unlike Big Ben, it won’t have a clock on it though. Yes, I thought about it, but then pictured myself on “48 Hours” years from now being asked “So did you realize at the time that you were a bad parent when you built your kids a clocktower they could climb with their BB guns?”

By the way, I’m thinking the big rocks at the bottom may not be the best ground cover for around the bottom of this thing. Or maybe falling on the rocks below will build character. That which does not kill us, and all.


Here's a side view, now with the roof on:

As you can see, it dwarfs the playhouse in the back there (recently redubbed "HQ") and the basketball hoop now. I'd put a flag pole on top, but it's so tall I'm afraid it would burn up in the atmosphere, and a burning flag would send the wrong message about me to the town and neighboring communities who would be able to see it.

Yes, I built the roof separately and *then* hauled it up there and woodscrewed it into place. This is something I would strongly recommend against any of you trying at home. Let me make the back-breaking mistakes for you. I'm trained, you know.

I haven't wind-tunnel tested it, but I think I'm good up to a 100 mph winds. Above 100mph, it becomes the neighbor's problem. I may need to put some rubber snakes on top though if eagles start nesting in it. Whether my waterproofing holds is an open question.

Here's a front view. Honest to god - that's my cell-phone camera giving it the "Leaning Tower of Pisa" look:



Those 1st floor windows are on hinged wood frames and are made of plexiglass, because I'm "Mr. Safety" as you know. Well, not enough to move the rocks from around the bottom, but enough to worry about the effects of shattering glass on my kids play environment. As you can see there in the background, from here the kids have a good vantage point in case anyone mounts a swimming pool-based amphibious landing.

You can also see I put an overhang over the front window, to keep the water out. Hah hah - yeah right. I'm not sure why I bother. But it does accomplish that Disney-esque Main Street USA "forced perspective" thing where you make the building look taller by making the upper floor look smaller and... and... yeah. You're not the first person to say I'm putting too much thought into this thing.


Here's the view from the back:

Here you see the ladder and hand rails up to the "observation deck" and that brown door on the right opens into the first floor, which my kids have named "the armory". Awww... kids say the darndest things, though I did build a locking cabinet for the BB guns in there, so it's not too far off the mark.

You can also see the hinges on that side window. There is a trap door you can't see that goes between the two floors - only ten by ten inches. I meant it for the kids to just pass stuff between the floors, but they can fit through it, so it's now the "Emergency Exit" in case the ladder is blocked by, I dunno, bear attack or something.

Again, that's my camera making the vertical lines look all unlevel, at least for the most part. The top doesn't really splay out like that, though that would be a cool look. Sort of a "Frontier Smurf Mushroom" thing. But unless I buy my lumber from a ship-builder, the beams only come in straight lines.

Yeah - those are concrete blocks that make up the "patio" below the ladder. Once again, call me "Mr. Safety".

And finally, an inside view. This is the reverse, inside view of the above picture.:



That's a flashlight hanging in the corner on one of the hooks. Sadly, from this view you can't see the awesome job my daughter did woodstaining (intentionally) the floor, or the cabinet or the hot tub or the ping pong table. Well, those last two I made up.

And no, the kids do not use the chair and flashlight to interrogate enemy combatants.... at least I hope not. Perhaps the less I know the better. It's called "plausible deniability".

Anyway, all I gotta do now is paint and check the CC&Rs on regulations regarding mounted searchlights and then the Indian spirits can come get me.

Fanboy's New Year Predictions

Wow! 2007 sure flew by quicker than I expected, but time tends to dilate when traveling at or near the speed of light.

Anyway, here are my predictions for 3008:

1. In January, the crab people of Beta Antares break off relations with the Krool Concordium, signaling the beginning of an intergalactic battle of wits that will last over two thousand years and result in untold millions of injured feelings and devastated esteem on both sides. Though historians will disagree on who exactly hurled the first insult, it will be generally agreed that fault lies with "those poopy-headed lobster dummies"

2. On Earth, in the area that was once Manhattan, the long-term effects of the spaceborne illness that originally killed most of the canine and feline population continue to alter the larger primates. The great apes grow taller and more limber, their cranial capacity increases (most notably in orangatans), and their vocal cords thicken. Gorillas, once the most gentle of the great apes, become more aggresive, while chimps become more reserved. Nobody's heard from the gibbons in a long time, which is never a good sign.

Surface-dwelling humans retain the power of speech, but continue to lose the capacity for abstract thought. At the same time, those humans that have moved underground begin to develop telepathy and telekenesis. In mid-April, Mendez the 125th astounds both his wife and himself by "getting his own damn beer" from across the room without getting up.

- A similar bifurcation process is affecting humans in the area that was once London, as some of the docile surface-dwelling "Eloi" decide to abandon fruit-picking and begin a migration undergound to live in the old mines by the moors and lochs in the country (as a result, within time they would come to call themselves the "Morlocks").

- Shielded from the effects of the outside world, the people of the domed city around what was once Washington DC, prepare to celebrate their "Renewal Jubilee", marking the numerically significant 345,678th consecutive Carousel Ritual. Says participant Logan 951 (age 29), "Yay! that thing on my hand is blinking! I can't believe I get to be part of history! Lucky me! Renew!"

-In late September, in what was once the North Pacific ocean, a sea mammal, in particular a dolphin named Nscreee*, is born with opposable thumbs on her fins, triggering a chain of events that will eventually lead to earth creatures exploring space and uniting all of the intelligent beings in the galaxy together in peaceful, non-insulting harmony.
*translation mine

3. A dark matter butterfly flapping its wings in the gamma hydra quadrant of galaxy M98 causes a...


Oh wait.

That's *3008's* predictions. You guys probably wanted my predictions for 2008.

Hang on. I wrote those down too. I know I've got them around here somewhere - just gotta find where I put them.

Well, Happy New Year anyway

Lame Halloween Costume #2

"Princess Leia as Jabba's Slave" Costume for Dogs

Wow! This costume sure brings back memories.

Like, remember that scene in "Return of the Jedi" when Jabba had Princess Leia on a chain, and as soon as he turned his back on her she took her leash and wrapped it around his neck and strangled him with it? And she just yanked and yanked until his tongue stuck out and his eyes rolled back in his head, and she killed that big jerk who made her dress like that for his own amusement?

Great scene. I bet your dog even remembers that scene too. Your dog is probably thinking about it at this very moment, in fact.

Weekly Fanboy Update #4: The (legal) Battle for the Planet of the Apes

And so it begins...

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2007-09-27-chimpanzee_N.htm

"VIENNA (AP) — He's now got a human name — Matthew Hiasl Pan — but he's having trouble getting his day in court.

Animal rights activists campaigning to get Pan, a 26-year-old chimpanzee, legally declared a person vowed Thursday to take their challenge to Austria's Supreme Court after a lower court threw out their latest appeal."

Some of us knew this day would come. The Austrian Supreme Court needs to consider its next steps very carefully, since their decision could very likely trigger a chain of events that may eventually end with gorillas on horseback hunting humans for sport, I tell you!

Needless to say, I've been following this case very closely. Pan the chimp actually argued his case very persuasively in court, and at one point even brought the bailiff near tears when he paraphrased Shakespeare's "Merchant of Venice" with the question "Hat nicht ein Schimpanse Augen, Ihre Ehre?" ["Hath not a chimp eyes, your Honor?"], and it looked like he was going to win his personhood right up until the point when he tossed some poo at the judge.

After that it was pretty much downhill for him.

IT'S A MAD HOUSE!!

Lame Halloween Costume #1

Yay! October! It's that magical time of year to go looking for Halloween costumes for the kids, often with vague and complex marching orders like "I wanna go as a Ron Weasley-Jawa-Ninja-Zombie-Cat!!"

Uhhh... I'll see if they have that costume, honey. But don't be disappointed if you're ahead of the costume industry curve again this year. We may need to make this one ourselves.

So anyway, I've been cruising the online costume shops, and, judging by some of the costumes out there, I have come to the conclusion that American consumers are driving this society into a deep decline.

No. I don't blame the retailers. If there was no demand for an "Isaac the Bartender from the Love Boat" costume, then there would be no supply. Isaac? That's only two steps above Horshack on the "Obscure-Cultural-Reference-o-Meter". Yeah, the model at the costume site pretty much nailed the patented "Isaac-two-handed-double-point", but that only gets you so far. Plan to spend the whole night saying, "No, I'm not that ghost waiter from The Shining who killed his kids! I'm Isaac! From The Love Boat! It was a TV show in the early 80's! Remember? Gopher? Doc? Charo? Koochie-koo? *Sigh* Fine then. You must kill your family Mr.Torrance".

So now, it was either Leo Buscaglia or Spock's brother from StarTrek V that once told me to "share the pain", so I thought I'd spend some time this month sharing with you some of the most inexplicably lame costumes out there. None of this is made-up, sadly.

Car Air Freshener Baby Costume

Okay, just off the top of my head, I have a few questions for the people who would dress their child up like a car air freshener:

1. Why do you hate your child?

2. When did you first realize you hated your child?

3. Have you considered the fact that dressing your child like a car air freshener might be a sign that maybe you aren't ready for parenthood?

4. What terrible and traumatic thing happened to *you* when you were young that makes you lash out by dressing your child as something that is hung from a rearview mirror.

and finally...

5. Your child clearly has no choice in the matter and so can't be blamed for going as a car air freshener for Halloween. But what's *your* excuse?: