Fanboy's New Year Predictions

Wow! 2007 sure flew by quicker than I expected, but time tends to dilate when traveling at or near the speed of light.

Anyway, here are my predictions for 3008:

1. In January, the crab people of Beta Antares break off relations with the Krool Concordium, signaling the beginning of an intergalactic battle of wits that will last over two thousand years and result in untold millions of injured feelings and devastated esteem on both sides. Though historians will disagree on who exactly hurled the first insult, it will be generally agreed that fault lies with "those poopy-headed lobster dummies"

2. On Earth, in the area that was once Manhattan, the long-term effects of the spaceborne illness that originally killed most of the canine and feline population continue to alter the larger primates. The great apes grow taller and more limber, their cranial capacity increases (most notably in orangatans), and their vocal cords thicken. Gorillas, once the most gentle of the great apes, become more aggresive, while chimps become more reserved. Nobody's heard from the gibbons in a long time, which is never a good sign.

Surface-dwelling humans retain the power of speech, but continue to lose the capacity for abstract thought. At the same time, those humans that have moved underground begin to develop telepathy and telekenesis. In mid-April, Mendez the 125th astounds both his wife and himself by "getting his own damn beer" from across the room without getting up.

- A similar bifurcation process is affecting humans in the area that was once London, as some of the docile surface-dwelling "Eloi" decide to abandon fruit-picking and begin a migration undergound to live in the old mines by the moors and lochs in the country (as a result, within time they would come to call themselves the "Morlocks").

- Shielded from the effects of the outside world, the people of the domed city around what was once Washington DC, prepare to celebrate their "Renewal Jubilee", marking the numerically significant 345,678th consecutive Carousel Ritual. Says participant Logan 951 (age 29), "Yay! that thing on my hand is blinking! I can't believe I get to be part of history! Lucky me! Renew!"

-In late September, in what was once the North Pacific ocean, a sea mammal, in particular a dolphin named Nscreee*, is born with opposable thumbs on her fins, triggering a chain of events that will eventually lead to earth creatures exploring space and uniting all of the intelligent beings in the galaxy together in peaceful, non-insulting harmony.
*translation mine

3. A dark matter butterfly flapping its wings in the gamma hydra quadrant of galaxy M98 causes a...


Oh wait.

That's *3008's* predictions. You guys probably wanted my predictions for 2008.

Hang on. I wrote those down too. I know I've got them around here somewhere - just gotta find where I put them.

Well, Happy New Year anyway